November 2020: How I Participated in NaNoWriMo, Didn’t Finish a First Draft Even After 50,000 Words, and Barely Read Anything with My Eyeballs

Posted on December 2, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger
  • Every Day Failures Issue #1: A Punk Stuck in Suburbia (zine) by Sarah B.

What I Read:

  • The Final Revival of Opal & Nev (ARC) by Dawnie Walton
    • CW: racism, racist violence, homophobia
  • Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You (audiobook) by Jason Reynolds
  • A Series of Unfortunate Events #6-9 (re-read; audiobook) by Lemony Snicket
  • Crooked Kingdom (re-read) by Leigh Bardugo
    • CW: sex work, substance abuse, gambling addiction
  • Deer Woman: An Anthology ed. by Elizabeth LaPensée
    • CW: sexual violence, gore
  • Genuine Fraud by E. Lockhart
    • CW: suicide mention, assault, rape mention, gore, death, substance abuse
  • Consider This: Moments in My Writing Life After Which Everything Was Different by Chuck Palahniuk

NaNoWriMo kicked my ass this month. Yeah, I reached my word count goal. Yeah, I got a lot of my novel done. But my free time was stolen from me by past Ryn who decided to participate in this month-long endeavor. My hope that I would finish the first draft I’d already started ended up not coming to fruition, though I still have hope (oh, hope, 2020 nearly killed you…) to be done with it by the end of the year. I’ve been writing so much fiction that my head has stayed in my own story all month, so I only closely read a couple of books this month.

A nature hike I took with friends before NaNoWriMo swamped me.

Anyway, writing kept me so busy that I started listening to A Series of Unfortunate Events on audiobook from where I’d left off in the physical books. I just couldn’t take in anything more complicated than that through my ears. There’s not much for me to say about the series except that Lemony Snicket was incredibly ahead of his time when it came to gender politics, children’s rights, and how to successfully teach vocabulary words. When I’ve finished them all (which I never did as a kid for some reason), I’ll have more thoughts to share.

The other fairly straightforward audiobook I listened to in November was the YA version of Stamped by Ibram Kendi, which Jason Reynolds worked on and narrated. For people like me who find reading huge books about history daunting, this is a great way to go. It will work well for tome-phobic adults and actual young adult readers. The information is distilled and imparted in a way that is easy to follow and often entertaining. An absolutely wonderful and accessible antiracist book for any level of reader.

Even though I didn’t read a whole lot in November (for my standards), I was lucky enough to read a new favorite that I want everyone to pick up when it comes out. The Final Revival of Opal & Nev by Dawnie Walton is so freaking good. Now, I’ll admit that this book already has a lot of elements I like—oral history format, plot centered around musicians, NYC setting—but this is honestly just an objectively good novel. Opal Jewel is a badass Afropunk singer from Detroit who pairs up with Nev Charles, a white English singer/songwriter who is trying to find a musical partner. Opal becomes part of the avant garde scene in New York City, thanks to her unique fashion style curated by her best friend, and Nev just wants to make it in the music industry. They end up signing to a label that also signs an extremely outspoken and racist band. Violence ensues, and readers get to see how Opal and Nev react to racism in different ways, both making mistakes but with good reason. Opal’s character is empowering and flawed and outrageous all at once. The rock ’n’ roll scene in 1970s New York already has so much atmosphere, but the characters really make you feel how individuals made the scene what it was.

Like The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and Daisy Jones & the Six, the journalist interviewing these people has a personal connection to Opal & Nev. She tells stories of how the characters act during interviews, and these little interjections of scenes between interviews add so much life to the story. I expected them to break me out of the story, but they do exactly the opposite and give insight into the characters in the present as they tell the stories of their past.

Honestly, I cannot wait for this book to come out so everyone can read it. It deserves so much hype, but I only heard of it because an ARC was sent to the bookstore I work at. At many moments, I literally had chills, both good and bad. You’ll love it. So on April 20, 2021, go pick it up!

I re-read another favorite this month, Crooked Kingdom, the second in the Six of Crows duology, which just made me fall in love with the characters all over again. This book always surprises me with how phenomenal it is, no matter how many times I pick it up. I’ve lent it to my sister and can’t wait to find out who her favorite character is! (Mine changes every time, but this past read it was Jesper.)

Deer Woman is an anthology consisting of different depictions of the Deer Woman story by indigenous writers, which tells of a woman who kills sexual predators. Each story is told through serial art. The art styles are all incredible, but I found some of the narratives difficult to follow. I would take this with a grain of salt, however, because these are not stories told for my benefit and so are not necessarily hard to follow if you are familiar with the myth.

Star staring at my sister because he’s too afraid to go downstairs

The sibling book club book my sister and I decided to read for November was Genuine Fraud by e. lockhart. As is lockhart’s m.o., the story spirals into weirder and more outlandish scenarios, helped out by the fact that it’s told backwards, from the end to the beginning. I have to say that this one didn’t keep me hooked as much as We Were Liars did. It was really hard to get into until, suddenly, the pace took off at a sprint. The plot was running hard and pulling interesting moves. Then the ending just kinda flopped over the finish line. Some parts were predictable and some parts weren’t. But it definitely has that e. lockhart thing where everything isn’t as it seems for the entire time. I always feel bamboozled at the end of her stories, though this one gave away the twist a bit too early, in my opinion. It’s an interesting read once you get about halfway through, but that first stretch really drags.

Lastly, let’s talk about the best book on writing that I have ever read: Consider This by Chuck Palahniuk. Now, I’ve only ever read Fight Club by Palahniuk (which is pronounced like “Paula-nick,” I learned recently), but I did the same thing for Stephen King’s book On Writing after only reading (and disliking) Cujo. While King’s book ended up being more of a writer’s memoir, Consider This includes actual, concrete writing advice with examples throughout just in the way that he tells stories. I plan to go back, take notes, and apply the advice to the novel I’m writing. And I have clear examples of how to do so right at my fingertips.

Trans awareness week is in November. Here are some of my fave trans books!

I highly recommend it for anyone looking to make their writing more dynamic and enticing. With the repetition of the phrase “if you were my student,” Palahniuk imparts his and his writing teachers’ advice to the reader in a non-condescending and conversational way. It feels like being in a workshop for a fiction writing class taught by a favorite professor. This book made me want to read more of Chuck Palahniuk’s fiction after learning what goes into his writing, and it also made me want to go write some more. Choices!

We’re almost done with 2020, friends! And only one and half months until the racist in chief is no longer in the White House! We can do it. It’s the home stretch. The pandemic is ramping back up, but there’s a vaccine on the horizon. A lot of good music came out of quarantine. Everyone is embracing Elliot Page after he came out recently. And we’ve all learned how tough we really are. Go pick up those atmospheric winter reads and put on heartwarming movies and drink lots of hot chocolate. Don’t let the seasonal depression ruin December completely!

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October 2020: How I Listened to So Many Audiobooks and Had So Many Thoughts

Posted on October 30, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • The Final Revival of Opal & Nev (ARC, April 2021) by Dawnie Walton
  • Classical Comedy: Greek and Roman ed. by Robert W. Corrigan

What I Read:

  • Meddling Kids (audiobook) by Edgar Cantero (DNF at 65%)
  • Check Please! Book 2: Sticks & Scones by Ngozi Ukazu
  • The Sun Down Motel (old ARC) by Simone St. James
  • Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood by Marjane Satrapi
  • Miles Morales: Spider-Man (audiobook) by Jason Reynolds
    • CW: racism, murder
  • Ella Enchanted (audiobook) by Gail Carson Levine
  • Persepolis 2: The Story of a Return by Marjane Satrapi
  • One of Us Is Lying (audiobook) by Karen M. McManus
    • CW: suicide, blackmail, homophobia/being outed
  • One of Is Next (audiobook) by Karen M. McManus
    • CW: suicide, homicidal ideation, murder, minor sexual assault, blackmail
  • Dune by Frank Herbert
    • CW: death, dehydration, war, queerphobia, racism, colonization
  • Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds
    • CW: shooting, dead relative, racism

So we can all see that I listened to an abnormally high number of audiobooks this month. Work has suddenly been keeping me super busy and I went through an extreme bout of anxiety for a good chunk of the month. Audiobooks are easier to consume when I’m busy and/or anxious because I tend to get headaches at those times. But I can’t blame it all on my own life. Reading Dune definitely contributed to the audiobook boom of October. It’s a slow-moving CHONK of a book, but we’ll get to that later.

It’s a rare occurrence when I DNF a book past 50% in, but I just had to. Meddling Kids wasn’t horrible or extremely problematic, it was just awkwardly written and even more awkwardly spoken. The author’s language was trying to be flowery and mysterious but ended up stilted and jarring. Especially the dialogue. Also, it felt like the author was using the setting (small town 1990s) to be sexist and a bit racist. It did not feel like an adult Scooby Doo novel like it was pitched to me. There were nods to a ton of other cornerstones of the mystery and horror genres (according to Wikipedia, Enid Blyton’s The Famous Five series, Scooby Doo, and H.P. Lovecraft’s foray into the Cthulhu Mythos). I’m not into these genres generally, so the hints and Easter eggs blew right past me. I was so disappointed!

My Spidey tattoo as proof of my devotion.

Onwards with all of the audiobooks. In what I promise is related news, I freakin’ love Spider-Man. Any rendition of Spider-Man. But my favorites are Tom Holland’s Peter Parker and Miles Morales. Hence the Miles Morales audiobook. Plus, I’d been wanting to read something by Jason Reynolds, so it was a twofer! This book was no exception to my love of Spidey-related content. The audiobook narrator was awesome, so expressive and clear when someone else is talking. I also loved the discussion around how prisons are a tenet of modern slavery, because it’s true and not something I’ve seen in any fiction I’ve read. The fight against modern-day white supremacy, in the form of the enemy Miles faces both as Miles and Spider-Man, hit home, especially when racism was directed at Miles. It made me irrationally angry to read those parts. This was a wonderful blend of superhero action, high school problems, and slices of normal life with all their hilarious and serious moments.

Ella Enchanted was another read inspired by something I already love: the movie version of Ella Enchanted starring the lovely Anne Hathaway. My feelings toward this book and its movie adaptation are similar to my feelings for Howl’s Moving Castle and its film adaptation. The book and movie have very little in common except the basic premise and the names of characters, and I like the movie a bit better (probably because I saw them first and attach them to fond memories).

The book was much less sinister than the movie, and the plot simpler, but Ella is still the spunky and defiant protagonist that I already loved. I thought it was interesting that Char and Ella are acquainted from the beginning, unlike the movie when they meet on the road. It’s much less insta-love and more friends-to-lovers (“lovers” being a loose term because they’re teenagers). And Lucinda actually sort of redeems herself in the book instead of being self-centered the whole way through. Character development, check!

The book is also more obvious in its parallels with Cinderella—pumpkin carriage, fairy godmother, things disappearing by midnight, calling her “Cinders” at one point—but the book does it in its own way. One thing I did like better about the book is that Ella learns a bunch of languages to speak with other peoples and species, including ogres and elves and Aretha (her BFF). Plus there are a parrot and a centaur, so that was neat, too!

Star listened to audiobooks with me.

Since October is spooky season, I decided to read some mystery stories. I took the easy route and listened to the One of Us Is Lying series, which is YA. The best way to describe the first book is to imagine dumping The Breakfast Club and Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda into a murder mystery. Like The Breakfast Club, the main characters outwardly fulfill stereotypes. The book attempts to subvert those labels, but it does so in a predictable and somewhat cliché way. The connection to Simon vs. is merely because of the school Tumblr account that reveals student secrets. Except the Tumblr account in this book is much more sinister.

I enjoyed these parallels and watching the characters grow individually and together. Hearing them try to puzzle everything out was super interesting. (Except when they finally connect the dots, it’s someone who you don’t meet until halfway through that randomly puts it all together. I wished it had been the four main characters to solve it. Or at least mostly solve it.) Of course, two loving sister relationships and an internal journey to see one’s self-worth didn’t hurt, either! I love those two things in books.

My main problem with this book is the ending. Part of it made sense when thinking back on the story, but the other half was a bit of a stretch. I could see the attempts to foreshadow it but I still couldn’t quite believe the leap it took to get there. The other part of the ending I didn’t like was that the last small chunk was focused on a romantic relationship that fell apart right toward the end for no reason. It felt sudden and useless to have this happen after the murder gets wrapped up only to be resolved again shortly.

My last beef with this book is how sensationalized one of the characters’ sexuality becomes. That felt a little… off to me. I get why it was done that way, but I still didn’t like it.

All that being said: this book is often hard to stop reading, especially with such good audiobook narrators. And I did stay up later than intended to finish it, so that’s always a point.

I have less thoughts about the second book because they were pretty similar. The plot puts the first book in front of a fun house mirror, because it just has a few tweaks and different characters. The ending of this one made much more sense. I could think back on the story and see hints and clues leading to the conclusion. It improved on the last book, but the similarities kept it from being a whole lot better. These were fun mysteries to listen to, and I had a blast following the characters around. There’s just not whole lot of substance.

The last audiobook I listened to was Long Way Down, another Jason Reynolds. This was about three hours long because it’s told in verse, but I did like it. The way of storytelling was incredibly effective. The main character is following the rules of his neighborhood by taking his brother’s gun to go shoot his brother’s killer. As he’s taking the elevator down, the ghosts of people he knows who have died join him on each floor. It works so, so well.

Each October, I usually try to read a classic spooky novel, but that did not happen this year. Instead, I read a classic sci-fi. Since the movie version of Dune was supposed to come out this year, my sister and I picked this as our book to read together this month.
Listen, I know this is a classic, but I didn’t really enjoy it. It is an incredibly complex narrative and the world building is insane, but none of this made the plot move faster or add to my enjoyment. Not to mention that one of the villains was queer and fat, and these things were used to make him seem “gross” and evil to others. The ending was not worth the slog through 800 pages. Normally, I read all of the extra material in a book, but when I got to the end of the actual story I couldn’t bring myself to do this. Honestly, whenever I picked this up I was thinking about what else I could be reading. There were moments of excitement, but they were just moments.

A peek at the illustrations in Persepolis

I’ve been pretty rambly in this post, so I’ll keep the last couple reviews short. Persepolis and Persepolis 2 were very enlightening and intriguing graphic memoirs with a unique art style that lent itself well to the story being told. Also, Marjane Satrapi is such a badass in these books. Yeah, she has some serious problems in her life, but she’s also so fully herself all the time, even while having to make concessions for an oppressive regime.

The second book in the Check, Please! series was every bit as wholesome and real and emotional as the first one. The only thing that ever took me out of the narrative was that there were too many new characters to remember their names. Other than that, I loved how the author dealt with the issues of being openly gay in the public eye and the emotions that come from graduating college and figuring out what you want to do with your life.

Last but definitely not least, the only book I read this month that I consider truly spooky: The Sun Down Motel. This book has a super compelling plot, but the two timelines were too similar and the ending wasn’t quite what I expected. Toward the end, some characters were acting much differently than their previous development told me they should, so it was a little jarring. Also, the killer’s explanation for why they murder people was LAME. Totally anticlimactic. (Not the actual ending, just the reasoning.)

I don’t read a lot of horror/thriller/mystery/spooky books, but I really enjoyed this one! It’s the perfect amount of spooky so that while you’re reading you’re definitely spooked, but you can still sleep at night without any issues (or without any book-related issues, at least).

My anxiety kept churning out an excessive amount of thoughts this month, so I’m glad at least some of them turned toward books! I’d much rather have too much to say than nothing to say at all. November is going to be one of the weirdest months yet in 2020 as we navigate how to celebrate a holiday about being together during a pandemic. It’s going to be hard and strange, but hopefully it will also be joyful and gratifying. At the very least, it will be nice to have a day off to just chill and eat!

Now, please enjoy this wonderful meme that I thought about when I mentioned Howl’s Moving Castle:

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September 2020: How I Discovered That Time Isn’t Money, It’s Books

Posted on October 3, 2020 by Ryn PB

Books I Got:

  • Dune by Frank Herbert
  • Binti: The Complete Trilogy by Nnedi Okorafor
  • Becoming Superman (old ARC) by J. Michael Straczynski
  • Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman
  • The Invention of Sound (old ARC) by Chuck Palahnuik
  • The Humorless Ladies of Border Control by Franz Nicolay
  • Sparrow Hill Road (old ARC) by Seanan McGuire
  • The Know-It-All by A.J. Jacobs
  • The New York Trilogy Paul Auster
  • The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas by Gertrude Stein
  • Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Books I Read:

  • None Shall Sleep (ARC) by Ellie Marney
  • Timestamp: Musings of an Introverted Black Boy by Marcus Granderson
  • Bookish and the Beast (old ARC) by Ashley Poston
  • The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (audiobook) by Mary Ann Shaffer
  • Boy Meets Boy (audiobook) by David Levithan
  • Holes (audiobook) by Louis Sachar
  • A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor by Hank Green
  • Kiki’s Delivery Surface (audiobook) by Eiko Kadono
  • Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert
  • Book Love (graphic memoir) by Debbie Tung
  • The Titan’s Curse by Rick Riordan
  • Hotel Dare (graphic novel) by Terry Blas
  • This is a Book (re-read) by Demetri Martin
  • Spinning (graphic memoir) by Tillie Walden
  • Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that if I have too much time on my hands, I pick up a book. And then another. And then another. Goodreads just informed me that I have read 102 books so far this year. My goal was fifty. So I decided to read some books outside my comfort zone this month, starting with a mystery. None Shall Sleep is a mystery thriller about two college students who have both had personal experiences with serial killers. They are recruited by the FBI to interview teen killers, but it turns out that they are actually there to interview a specific teen serial killer to help solve an ongoing case. Though the concept was super cool, this book was disappointing. It involved too many recycled tropes, the pacing was just odd, and the characters were only a half-step away from being stock characters. A few moments were thrilling, but they were rare and the outcomes easy to predict. What a bummer!

Then I chose to read Marcus Granderson’s book of essays, which was also disappointing. While I agreed with a lot of what this book says, there was just no personal narrative voice at all. Almost every short essay sounded generic and rarely included concrete details. When details were included, they were about something other than the author or point being made, or they were part of a metaphor that was randomly slapped in there without further exploration. I wish I could have gotten to know the author better as he tells parts of his story, but the writings are disjointed, vague, and tediously repetitive (in terms of themes and phrasing). I was also put off a little bit by the use of “we” and “our.” Sometimes, it made perfect sense, but other times it just felt like a lazy way to try to relate to the reader.

That being said, a few chapters were really beautiful, but it was such a small portion.
The most compelling chapters for me were “Black Girl Magic,” “Pop Off” (an Obama fanboy moment), “Please Be Advised,” and “Boy Gear.” I enjoyed all of the fanboy moments Granderson included about the Obamas. Because, like, same. Oh, boy, do I miss them… I also liked when he brought in music to help tell the story or make the point. If the entire book did something like that, it would’ve been much more interesting to read.

Another out-of-my-comfort choice came with the romance novels I read this month. Who am I?

Well, Bookish and the Beast was all kinds of adorable. It was exactly the fluffy and cheesy YA romance novel I needed in my life. It was exactly what it set out to be: an unrealistic fandom romance novel that is nonetheless engaging and cute. I don’t often allow myself to just enjoy tropes that have been used too often, but this book forces you to let go of that. And it was great.

The same can be said of Get a Life, Chloe Brown, except that this book explores chronic pain, disability, the aftermath of domestic abuse, and characters who want to be together, but know they don’t need each other. Unfortunately (because this is an objectively well-written book), I’ve come to learn that I really only enjoy YA romance. I find it uncomfy to read about sex and masturbation, even though I know there’s nothing wrong with doing so. I just don’t like it! I much prefer awkward and almost old-fashioned flirting (see The Raven Cycle). Also, the random conflict toward the end was pointless and jarring. I’m sure romance fans will love this book, and I still enjoyed it, but adult romance might be a lost cause for me. Though I have heard that the sequel is even better, so maybe I’ll give it another shot?

Star snoozing while I read on the couch.

After expounding on my YA romance novel enjoyment, I feel a bit hypocritical. But Boy Meets Boy was just a bad YA romance novel. And honestly, I don’t get the hype or why David Levithan is so popular. Yes, the whole “this world is uber accepting of queer people” thing is lovely, but it has been done sooo much better. And the narrator/main character was annoying as heck. The only reason I finished this is because the audiobook was short and I walk to work. Otherwise I would’ve stopped.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society was the exact opposite. I enjoyed it so much! Now I know that the book and the movie are totally awesome. And the audiobook is *chef’s kiss*. I couldn’t stop listening, and I usually have trouble keeping my attention on audiobooks. With a full cast and a found-family plot, I was sucked right in. It’s up there with the Aristotle and Dante audiobook, which I loved with my whole heart. A+, five gold stars, smiley face sticker.

Now, moving on from my random romance stint:

I’m not gonna lie, I found Hank Green’s first book to be incredibly mediocre, except for the cliffhanger. Which is why, for our sibling book club book for September, my sister and I picked up the sequel, A Beautifully Foolish Endeavor. And, holy fuck, was it amazing. The pacing of the plot was much better than in the first book, and the alternate points of view are all unique to their character, which is hard to do. It’s usually why I dislike stories with multiple perspectives, but he did it so well. I loved getting Carl’s perspective, especially, because they explain what they are, and (no spoilers) it’s out of this world. Not to mention that the themes of this book are also extremely pertinent to the world we live in now, to the point that I wonder if Hank has the ability to predict the vibe of the future. While the first book was about the dangers of social media fame, this book is, at its core, about the hope that comes from humanity working as a collective for each other. This hope is definitely something we need more of in our real lives.

Kiki’s Delivery Service and Hotel Dare were cute and lovely magic-filled found family stories that I thoroughly enjoyed. (Also, if you haven’t seen the movie version of Kiki’s Delivery Service, you should watch it as soon as you can.) Book Love was also a lovely comic book, one that every bookworm will relate to. Most of it could have come out of my own brain!

All of Tillie Walden’s graphic novels that I’ve read have been successes, and Spinning was no exception, even though it was a graphic memoir. Walden writes about the experiences and emotions surrounding her life growing up in figure and synchronized skating. Tillie’s feelings about ice skating and how everything in your life affects it are similar to how I started to feel about tennis in my sophomore year of high school. She explains how her acceptance and coming out journey affected her skating, affected everything. Nothing in her life was isolated, and even though this is a novel mainly about skating, she couldn’t ignore other aspects of her life that shaped her. This book made me feel so many complicated emotions, and as usual, the art is amazing. The yellow added to the black and white illustrations gave it a really interesting atmosphere. Tillie Walden is such a talented artist and storyteller.

Lastly, let’s discuss Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo, another author whose books have always been enjoyable for me to read. I picked this up for Latinx Heritage Month. Written in verse, Clap When You Land tells the story of the two daughters of a man who dies in a plane crash as he goes to visit his one daughter in the DR. These girls don’t know about each other initially, and really not until most of the way through the book.

This one didn’t pull me in as much as the other two stories of hers I’ve read (The Poet X and With the Fire on High), and I think it’s because the characters were just way too similar. Sure, they grew up in very different circumstances and, of course, had a lot of differences. But what I really mean is that they sounded too similar, to the point that I would have to search for clues (like names or places) if I forgot which one was narrating that chapter. Even with that, the plot and emotional exploration were intriguing enough to keep me reading and enjoying doing so. The beauty and lyricism of Acevedo’s words pulled me along through the somewhat slow plot (as this is more of a character-driven story). Acevedo is an extremely talented writer, but I think it was just the dual perspective that let her down.

This month was full of mediocre and disappointing books, but also a few enjoyable ones. I guess going outside your comfort zone can be hit or miss, and a low-risk way to do this is through books! And music, too. I’m not a super adventurous person, but I have books to help me with that. (Sort of.)

As always, have a good month and find something to enjoy, maybe even something outside of your comfort zone. Stay safe and revel in the arrival of spooky season!

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In Lieu Of a Book Post: How Emily Dickinson helps when I feel hopeless

Posted on September 7, 2020 by Ryn PB

August was a particularly bad month, even compared with the rest of 2020, so I’m not really feeling up to writing an entire reading wrap-up. Instead, I’m going to share this Emily Dickinson poem I always think about when the world seems to offer nothing good. I’m not a huge poetry fan, and I usually don’t memorize quotes, but this poem has always clung on for whatever reason. I hope it can help some of you, too. Next month, it’ll be back to your regularly scheduled programming.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops —at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet—never—in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of me.

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July 2020: How I Went a Little Overboard with Graphic Novels and Book Acquisitions to Find a Little Joy

Posted on August 2, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers
  • Death Note: Black Edition, Vol. 2 by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata
  • Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo
  • The Deep by Rivers Solomon
  • Quitter: A Memoir of Drinking, Relapse, and Recovery (ARC) by Erica C. Barnett
  • Timestamp: Musings of an Introverted Black Boy by Marcus Granderson
  • The Terror of the Unforeseen by Henry Giroux
  • The Essential Rumi by Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks
  • Dearly: New Poems (ARC) by Margaret Atwood
  • Hamilton and the Law (ARC) by Lisa A. Tucker
  • The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells
  • Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
  • Patron Saints of Nothing by Randy Ribay
  • Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman
  • The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White
  • Percy Jackson series #1-3 by Rick Riordan

What I Read:

  • Daisy Jones & the Six (audiobook; reread) by Taylor Jenkins Reid
  • The Tea Dragon Society (reread) by Katie O’Neill
  • The Tea Dragon Festival by Katie O’Neill
  • Scythe by Neal Shusterman
  • Nimona by Noelle Stevenson
  • Homie by Danez Smith
  • The rest of How to Drag a Body and Other Safety Tips You Hope to Never Need by Judith Matloff
  • Are You Listening? by Tillie Walden
  • I Am Not Okay with This by Charles Forsman
  • The Library Book (audiobook) by Susan Orlean
  • The Black Mage by Daniel Barnes
  • The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
  • To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers
  • Death Note: Black Edition, Vol. 1 by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata
  • Death Note: Black Edition, Vol. 2 by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata
  • The Wanderers by Meg Howrey
  • Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
  • Gmorning, Gnight!: Little Pep Talks for Me & You by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jonny Sun
  • Everyone’s a Aliebn When Ur a Aliebn Too by Jomny Sun
  • Sherlock Unlocked: Little-known Facts About the World’s Greatest Detective by Daniel Smith

IMG_2696Those lists are a bit long this month, aren’t they? Well, the first list suffered from “my bookstore is closing and I have a discount” disease, and the second list involves lots of graphic novels or illustrated, easy-to-read books, like Jonny Sun’s book and Lin-Manuel Miranda’s pep talks. Also, I’ve been super stressed out this month because I moved to a new place and had a bunch of car problems. The written word has gotten me through this month more than any other month during this pandemic. I took part in Camp NaNoWriMo (and I’m super pumped about the story I’m writing) as well as a couple readathons, which kept me busy during the time I wasn’t applying for jobs or worrying about the state of things.

But you have no cause to worry about the length of those lists, because I’m only going to discuss a select few books in order to keep this post manageable for both you and me.

First off, let’s discuss the Daisy Jones full-cast audiobook, which everyone raves about. Warning: unpopular opinion time. I liked reading it with my eyeballs more than listening to it. The audiobook was enjoyable, and it was fun to hear the voices of the characters, but some of the characters sounded too similar. Also, I’ve always loved reading “oral history” written down. The first time I read the book, I kept forgetting it was fictional, but for some reason, the cast of voice actors made it harder for me to place the story in reality. Almost like I was watching a movie without a visual, which takes away a vital aspect of the storytelling medium. I’m pretty sure this is just a me thing, because so many people have loved the audiobook, but at least for this one, I’m going to stick to the physical copy.

Another audiobook I think I would have liked better in print was The Library Book by Susan Orlean. I was able to flip through a physical copy to see the pictures, which led me to believe I would have liked it better on the page. Plus, this would have been

o

Inside of a library… remember when we could go there?

a great book to annotate so I could go back and do further research of my own. The amount of work that went into it is incredible, and any library or book lover will find something that fascinates them in this book, as it covers the story of the Los Angeles Central Library fire from all angles.

Scythe is the first Neal Shusterman book I’ve ever read, and it was a roaring success. In a society that has conquered death, the scythes are the ones who “glean” souls to prevent overpopulation. Shusterman’s narrative follows two scythe trainees who are competing with one another to become a taker of lives. Seeing the bureaucracy and politics behind what is supposed to be a sacred institution was fascinating, especially for someone who grew up in the Catholic Church and can make comparisons. Plus, I really did not expect the direction the story took about midway; it was awesome and complex and riveting. I can’t wait to pick up the rest of the trilogy when I can get my hands on them!

I read one poetry collection this month, Homie by Danez Smith. It offers a beautiful, heartfelt, and honest look at blackness, queerness, and aliveness. This is the second of Smith’s collections I’ve read, and I was once again in awe of their skill with language. The phrase “the body too is a garment” from “waiting on you to die so I can be myself” struck a chord with me, as well as many of the other poems and phrases. The kind of honesty that they convey in their poems is admirable, and something I am slowly working myself up to in my own writing.

A fitting read for a pandemic and police brutality protests, How to Drag a Body offers advice on extreme situations without catastrophizing about the world. While the advice was good, I have some problems with the things that Matloff leaves out. She doesn’t address neurodivergence when talking about mental and emotional resilience except for a few pages on PTSD. There’s a lot of biology = gender reasoning. She only hints at the fact that trans people exist more than 200 pages in with a comment about how cis women wouldn’t want to wear a mask with a “gendered mustache.” It just seemed like a throwaway comment so she didn’t get criticized for her cis-centered advice. And she often gave advice in a way that condescends to readers younger than 30 and makes a lot of assumptions about the

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Reading with the Reg

digital literacy of certain age groups. I gained helpful knowledge and skills, because Matloff clearly knows what she’s talking about, but it was a book primarily aimed toward cis women and generally did not take into account that people like me exist.

I’m only going to briefly touch on I Am Not Okay With This because it was one of the worst books I’ve ever read. Not only is it poorly written and illustrated, it also deals with suicide and mental illness in extremely problematic ways. The fifteen-year-old girl who narrates the story sounds nothing like a fifteen-year-old girl, because the author is a fully grown man who was clearly trying to cover all of the hot button topics (LGBT community, rape, abortion, body image, suicide, mental illness, domestic abuse). AND he covered it all horribly. All of the characters were flat and uninteresting, leaving the story very surface level, with no nuance or conversations surrounding these difficult topics. Then he had the audacity to put suicide prevention resources at the end even though he glorifies suicide in the narrative. I do not understand why this is popular at all. (Okay, so maybe that wasn’t so brief. But everyone needs a rant once in a while!)

The Black Mage, on the other hand, deals with institutionalized racism in a very nuanced way. This graphic novel is basically an anti-racist version of Harry Potter. While simple in narrative and real-life comparisons, this is an enjoyable and deep read. Also, Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglass, and Henry James appear as ghost mages… yes, please!

IMG_2879All three sci-fi books I read this month gave me a healthy dose of existentialism, which is a quality I look for in this genre. To Be Taught, If Fortunate is another work of genius by Becky Chambers, the queen of queer, relationship-based space stories. Through the story of a crew on a mission to explore livable planets in deep space, Chambers explores the reasons why humanity should reach beyond Earth, whether astronauts have an obligation to make more discoveries or do what humanity wants them to. She also sprinkles in the relationship between the body and one’s self-identity by allowing characters to genetically modify their bodies to more easily survive on different planets. Another humans-going-to-space story, The Wanderers follows three astronauts training to be the first to go to Mars. All the while, Meg Howrey layers the story with themes of different types of love and the real vs. the fake. The astronauts enter a Mars simulation, and they wonder whether knowing something is real or fake makes a difference if they impact you the same way. Unfortunately, it’s not a new favorite, because there were too many perspectives and a too-distant narrative voice, but still a valuable read! Jonny Sun’s little narrated book is a reverse of the other two narratives—aliens come to Earth, rather than humans going to space. It was very cute and very existential, with a sprinkle of hope on top.

The last book I want to discuss in depth is Trevor Noah’s memoir, the sibling book club book of July! I have never watched any of Trevor Noah’s material, but I absolutely loved this book. The little sections that gave background on apartheid were perfect for people like me who only know the vague facts. Noah’s voice throughout this memoir is very friendly and matter-of-fact, even when dealing with difficult topics like racism, class disparity, and domestic abuse. The unchronological structure makes it feel even more like he’s just telling you stories over dinner. It’s an incredibly intelligent narrative, weaving in facts about the experience of racism and poverty without making the reader consciously aware that they are learning. Not to mention that his mother is a badass who bucked the system at every chance with extreme confidence and bravery. Her faith in Jesus and her stubbornness was so strong that she felt she could do anything she wanted to do in life, despite being a black woman in an institutionally racist society. Of all the books I read this month, this is the one I would recommend the most highly.

Well, hopefully August ends up with a shorter list of books I’ve gotten, although, as a booklover, I can’t say I’m mad about the long list of books I’ve read. As ever, I hope everyone is finding some joy despite the disheartening state of the world, especially in the U.S. If you find that joy in books like I do, happy reading!

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June 2020: How I turned this month into a magical, gay reading extravaganza

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • Black on Both Sides: A Racial History of Trans Identity by C. Riley Snorton
  • Excluded: Making Feminist and Queer Movements More Inclusive by Julia Serano
  • Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston
  • Wild Seed by Octavia Butler
  • Two zines 

What I Read:

  • The Gilded Wolves by Roshani Chokshi
  • This Is What It Feels Like by Rebecca Barrow
  • Heartstopper: Volumes 1 & 2 (online comic) by Alice Oseman
  • The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
  • The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
  • The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón
  • Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein
  • This Is an (Audio)book by Demetri Martin
  • Six of Crows (re-read) by Leigh Bardugo
  • The Perks of Being of a Wallflower (re-read) by Stephen Chbosky
  • Don’t Ask Me Where I’m From by Jennifer De Leon
  • Part of How to Drag a Body and Other Safety Tips You Hope to Never Need by Judith Matloff

img_2481I hope all of my fellow queer folks had a wonderful Pride Month! Even though there weren’t any physical Pride celebrations, I did celebrate in my own nerdy way: with the Queer Lit Readathon! The first four stories listed above were on my TBR (plus JVN’s memoir and a book of poetry by Danez Smith, which I covered in my last post), and I was so proud to have finished them in one week. I rarely ever do this, usually extending my TBR to the whole month so I can get all of the challenges done.

JVN’s book covered the non-fiction challenge, and Don’t Call Us Dead covered the poetry challenge.

I chose The Gilded Wolves (backlist title, queer friend group, rainbow cover, disabled main character) to read next because it was one of the longer books on my TBR, and it was also the one with the most mixed reviews. Unfortunately, I agreed with the majority in that the book was middling. Not great, not horrible, just kind of there. There was way too much crammed into this book, and I would’ve enjoyed the story much more if it had spanned across two books. This resulted in many issues being resolved a bit too quickly and easily. That being said, the characters were compelling and some parts of the plot kept me going. By the end, I did care about the characters and shared their grief. They could shock me by how they treated each other, and they developed interesting relationships. It felt like a less well-planned version of Six of Crows. By a few days later, I had already forgotten most of the plot and I can’t even remember characters anymore. Bummer!

This Is What It Feels Like was the group read (also a non-coming out story) for the Queer Lit Readathon, and let me tell you, it is now one of my favorite books. Rebecca Barrow tells the story of a band that had broken up because of different life experiences (teen motherhood, alcoholism, and exploring queer identity). Now, the local band contest has a lucrative prize that all three could benefit from. They have to try to put aside differences and perform together again. I am so glad that this readathon made me aware of this book, because I love a good band story, and this one was absolutely stunning in its depth.

This book is proof that good writing can tackle a lot of tough topics without feeling overwhelming or underdeveloped. I cried a few times, rooted for the girls in all of their endeavors, and related to some of their misfortunes. The only critique that I have for this book is that I wasn’t sure that the chapters from Elliot’s point of view (the father of Dia’s kid) had a significant purpose. They didn’t detract from the story, but they definitely didn’t add much, either.

51dPgvyzTlLHeartstopper Volumes 1 & 2 (summer vibes, graphic novel, make your own: trans rep, bi/pan main character, 5-star prediction) were so frickin’ cute. I read them online to reduce my retail therapy budget, but the bad part was that I couldn’t stop myself from scrolling down after the first one, which was the only one I’d actually planned to read. I still haven’t gotten to Volume 3 yet, but you can bet that I will soon! Nick and Charlie’s love and friendship story was the adorable, heartwarming media I needed to lift my mood. Plus, they play rugby, and Nick teaching Charlie how to play better, having faith in Charlie’s ability to learn, was the cutest thing.

In order to fulfill the challenge of reading a book with a female main character over the age of forty, I read the super hyped The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. This was also the book my sister and I read together this month. I went into this book nervous, because I was worried it had been overhyped and would not be as good as everyone said. It turned out that it was. (Man, I really gotta start listening to other people’s opinions. They’ve been right twice this month!) I got invested in the story and forgot my tentative feelings. This is the story of a former actress during the Golden Age of Hollywood who had seven husbands (as the title says), but was really in love with her best friend, who was a woman. There’s also a subplot in that the person she is telling her story to, Monique, was chosen for a reason. And let me tell you, I did NOT see the twist at the end. Actually, there were a couple twists, one of which I should have seen coming and the other which shocked me thoroughly.

My family went to our lake cabin for a few days this month, and this is where my sisterimg_2513 and I discussed the book together. We sat on the porch swing and looked out over the lake, discussing a book that had blown both of our minds in the best way possible. This book is hyped up so much for a reason, and I’m glad I finally got myself to read it. Plus, how can you not like a book when you’re reflecting on it by a lake?

In between the two readathons, I participated in this month, I read two and a half books. The half was The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, which I’d started at the end of May intending to finish it before June. Well, that didn’t end up happening, so I put it on hold during the Queer Lit Readathon. After I finished, I picked it back up and easily slipped back into the narrative. I enjoyed this book, and I liked the way the narrator, a teenager with autism, told the story. It made a plot twist that should have been obvious much harder to spot, which was really cool. Plus, the chapters are numbered by prime numbers, which warmed my nerdy heart.

Next, I picked up a book my sister had given to me for Christmas in an “alishaCrate” box img_2499(her own version of OwlCrate). This book is just beautifully written, even though it is a translation. The scenery was beautiful, the characters quirky, and the plot mysterious. I am officially a fan of the “mystery that has to do with books” genre; the story exudes a love for books and a curiosity for lost truths. I also read this one by the lake, having finished the previous book during the long drive up to Wisconsin. Reading this by a lake with a cool wind blowing was the perfect atmosphere for this narrative. It is like no other book I’ve read before, full of so many layers and twists and turns that it keeps you on your toes. It’s a book that will be fun to re-read because I’m sure I will notice more and more each time.

I got Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl at a used bookstore in Fort Collins for a very cheap price because the dust jacket was gone. When I was buying it, the cashier, who was an amazingly cute hipster, said he’d read this same copy and loved the book. I loved that this book had a backstory, but I didn’t love the memoir as much as I’d hoped. Carrie Brownstein was a guitarist in the punk band Sleater-Kinney, which I didn’t really know anything about until reading her memoir. I love books about music and musicians, as we all know, and this one was super fun to read. It was not the most original or well-written memoir, but Brownstein is a very interesting person and offers a unique perspective of the punk scene as a “female musician” who is tired of answering stupid questions that male musicians never get and having her band characterized by the genders of its members. Anything that tells me more about the punk scene is going to be a fun read for me, I just wished it had been a little less cliché in how the story was told.

Onto the second readathon that brought me to the end of the month! I’ve already addressed my feelings about JK Rowling and Harry Potter in my last (very angsty) post, but I still participated in the “Visit Hogsmeade” readathon put on by G of the YouTube channel Book Roast, who also puts on the OWLs and NEWTs readathons. I mostly continued on with it because I had already made a TBR, but also because G puts so much work into her readathons and has been absolutely wonderful in addressing JK’s statements and amending her future readathons to be less HP-based. Okay, on with the books!

The premise of this readathon was that each store in Hogsmeade had a specific book prompt and you read the ones you would want to visit. The only required book was one with a map in it, because this unlocked the Marauder’s Map, which helped you get there. For the map book, I decided to re-read Six of Crows. Having Harry Potter be not as relaxing anymore pushed me to re-read two of my favorite books as replacements. Iimg_2605 loved Six of Crows just as much this time around as the first time, and I am excited to re-read the sequel, Crooked Kingdom, sometime soon. It’s no secret that I love duologies, and revisiting the characters and world of this first book confirmed my love for this specific one. The heist was just as nail-biting and the characters were just as compelling and the narrative was just as funny and intense. Plus, I got to swoon over Kaz and Inej flirting with each other in the weirdest ways. This series always reminds me of The Raven Cycle because of its quirky friend group and the awkward, “old-fashioned” (a.k.a. no kissing or sex) flirting between two characters. I love little gestures and comments that convey affection more than any other type of romance or flirting. And there are queer characters, so it was perfect for Pride Month!

Before SOC, I listened to an audiobook by Demetri Martin, one of my favorite comedians, which let me into Zonko’s Joke Shop. His wordplay is hilarious, and listening to this book as opposed to reading it was definitely the right choice. I got to hear the timing that Martin intended for the jokes and stories, though I do wonder if there were some drawings in the book that I missed out on, as he often uses drawings with his comedy. Either way, it was a hilarious, quick, and intelligent listen.

After the giggles and heist, I made my way to Honeydukes (candy!!) by re-reading another favorite, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve read this book so many times that I’ve lost count, and it never fails to break my heart a thousand times without making me feel hopeless. Though, I’m not gonna lie, I was jealous of their ability to hang out together in public and in groups. Just the fact that they went to a movie theater often Rocky Horror made me wish I could go see a movie or read at a coffee shop. This book is about trauma and friendships that become part of you forever, the combination of which makes you feel melancholy and nostalgic. Which is pretty much what I feel like most of the time during this pandemic!

img_2663The last book, which got me into Scrivenshaft’s Quill Shop, was Don’t Ask Me Where I’m From by Jennifer De Leon, which I have as a signed ARC from meeting her in Baltimore. This is another book that was fun to read but wasn’t super original. The story follows Liliana as she transfers to a predominately white school and begins to experience and subsequently fight the rampant racism in the student body. Liliana is a Latina, a writer, a maker of miniatures, and an advocate for herself even as she deals with her father’s deportation and subsequent crossing of the border. The narrative is by no means perfect, but it successfully gets across the messages of hope and trying to make the world better even when it seems impossible. As De Leon wrote in my book, “Build bridges, not walls.” Not to mention that I connected so much to Liliana when she would use vocab words and then point out when she used a vocab word. That’s totally something I did in high school. I still do it mentally when I learn a new word!

I’m continuing with my Visit Hogsmeade TBR in July even though I didn’t get it done inimg_2503 the week, because I like following plans that I’ve made even if it takes me a bit longer than anticipated. (Life lesson, my friends.)

Pride Month was weird, and participating in an HP-themed readathon after The Incident was weird, but I still managed to be okay this month. Motivation was hard, so doing the readathons pushed me to read more than I would have without them. In July, I’ll be doing The Reading Rush as well as attempting Camp NaNoWriMo. Let’s see if I can do both AND find a job… fingers crossed!

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The Mini Apocalypses in My Life: How I’m watching doors close around me with no way to open them back up … yet

Posted on June 24, 2020 by Ryn PB

CW: mentions of suicidal ideation, fatphobia, transphobia, JK Rowling, depression, anxiety

My life has been full of endings lately. And the unsettling part is that these endings haven’t been followed by new beginnings. I’m stuck in place while things I love crumble around me. (Please excuse my angst, I’m reading a YA novel right now.) I’ve been going through a grieving process while seeing these things leave my life, and not being able to move on in life has made it difficult to remember the good parts, especially since some of these endings are happening slowly, beating me down every time I have to face them.

Aside from the obvious annihilation of what was previously normal life, three big parts of my life have recently ended (or are rapidly approaching their end). Even though all three of these endings are bittersweet, I need to talk about them. They are just sitting inside me, festering wounds on the mental-illness Hydra monster that already has wild mood swings.

School: Graduating without closure

Like many Americans who grew up in the middle class, I have been in school since I was five (before if you count preschool). I am also among the unfortunate group of students who graduated during a quarantine, meaning this particular ending has been anticlimactic, overshadowed by a huge global event that seems to touch every part of our lives.

I feel gipped of the excitement and independence that comes from graduating college. I want to be pumped to start a job, even an entry-level job, and find a shitty apartment to live in. I want to feel proud to have accomplished something monumental, and I want to reap the benefits of that.

Even though I didn’t plan on walking for graduation, I still wanted to celebrate in my own way. Life sucks right now. It sucks in ways I could have never predicted. I want the predictable suckiness of a twenty-something with a humanities degree, not the catastrophic suckiness of a pandemic.

For a long, long time, my identity has revolved around being a student. Even when I didn’t want it to. In high school, I often lamented that my entire life was filled with school. I rarely did anything else. And while I eventually escaped that trap sometime during college, my main identity was still “student.” Now the “main identity” category in my brain is empty. And I don’t know what to fill it with. I’ve worked hard for my prize just to have it snatched away right before I earned it.

The ending of my school life was not unexpected. Of course I knew it would end when I graduated. But I didn’t want it to end like this. All of the suffering and anxiety that school has caused me seems like it was all for naught. The accomplishment has been emptied of meaning, at least in the short term.

School did bring me lots of good, though. I made wonderful friends that feel like family. I discovered and embraced my identity as a queer, trans guy. I’ve learned tons, read tons, and accomplished tons. I’ve done editing work for various school publications, and I’ve taken writing classes that have changed me as a writer forever. I can think more critically and trust myself to get the work done. I can let myself let go every once in a while instead of being so anxious that I am in my head the whole time. I have gained valuable adulting skills. I have become a better photographer and artist. I have become a better person.

I both loved and hated school the entire time I participated in it. And I want to be rewarded with more than a quarantine, even if that sounds a little petty.

Indigo Bridge Books & Café: Waking up from my dream job

It always sounds dramatic to say this, but getting a job at Indigo Bridge saved my life. Summer 2019 was a lonely and stressful one. The only time I’ve ever been more depressed was during a bad year in high school that I barely remember. I kept giving myself checkpoints to live until: just wait for my visit to see my sister. Wait for that concert. Wait for that visit to Colorado.

Then I got rejected for the one job I actually wanted: being a bookseller/barista at my favorite bookstore. I had just started at Walmart, and it was sucking my soul out. I kept my gender a secret because I didn’t feel safe, and I kept having to drive this random guy home who talked about his anger issues. Not exactly a way to make someone feel safe. Anyway, being rejected made me feel awkward about going back to the store, one of the few places in Lincoln, Nebraska, that actually made me feel safe as a queer person. I could be myself fully. And I thought I had lost that.

This rejection came right before I was going to drive out to see my aunt for Denver Pride. I told myself that I just had to stay alive until the end of June. That was all. That was manageable.

While in Colorado, I got the good news that the person they had hired instead of me was no longer able to take the job. This small hope was enough for me. It became a torch that I could pick up and take control of the light.

I returned home early from my trip and started my training, which meant waking up super early, dealing with gobs of anxiety, and messing up a lot while learning. But it was so worth it. Working at Indigo Bridge has been one of the best experiences of my life. It is one of the few times that the anxiety has felt worth the reward. I didn’t make a lot of money, but I was surrounded by books, accepting friends and coworkers, and many delicious types of tea. I was trusted with tasks and never reprimanded for messing up, merely taught how to fix the problem and handle it next time. Asking for help or information has been tough for me most of my life (thanks unreachable expectations!), but I never felt bad asking about something I didn’t know, even if I should have known it already. I felt comfortable and brave and able. I was loved and accepted immediately.

Now Indigo is closing. Another sucker punch from the universe. It seems that Colorado is always the place I get Indigo-related news, as I was there when the owner announced that she was closing Indigo indefinitely. And I was crushed. I feel like I am losing a community that I participated in with my whole heart. Just like I thought a year ago, I am losing the only place I have felt fully safe and fully comfortable with myself. Lincoln has become more formidable. Luckily, this pandemic has forced me to prioritize my mental health, and while it feels heart-rending right now, I know I will find another sanctuary. I just wish I didn’t have to.

I’ve always wanted to work at an independent bookstore, and I am incredibly grateful for this experience, but every day I go to work feels like it crushes me a bit more. I have to help prepare for the closing of my favorite place. I have to watch the store I’ve put love into close, the people I’ve become friends with get fired or quit because of poor management, and my future become uprooted. I wanted to stay Lincoln to continue working there, but now I feel aimless. Why am I still here? What is my purpose for staying in Lincoln if I don’t have Indigo to go to?

Losing the one place in my city that I felt one hundred percent safe is really hard. I’ve never had a place like that, and now that I’ve found it, it’s disappearing.

One year. I had this comfort for one year, and it seems like it will be near impossible to find it again anytime soon. I’m scared and heartbroken, as I imagine many people are right now. The things that I could rely on are falling down one by one. And this time it’s not the Hydra monster doing it. It’s out of my control.

Harry Potter and the Transphobic Asshole: Begrudgingly making room for new passions

So, JK Rowling really just chucked the second chance we all gave her right into a burning trashcan, didn’t she?

Like a lot of readers, Harry Potter has become a big part of my identity. Reading the books and watching the movies has felt like going home since I read and watched them in sixth grade. The HP universe has sucked up a lot of my money, time, and hope.

However, since sixth grade, I have changed a lot, especially in regard to my critical thinking skills and celebration of differentness. This is good, but it also means that it’s harder for me to look the other direction when something comes to my attention.

And now JK has, once again, bashed trans people. And I am a trans person. I can’t look the other way. Her fatphobia in the books was bad, but it didn’t affect me, so I didn’t think about it too much. It was problematic but not enough to take away any enjoyment. But now she has been transphobic time and time again, and I am paying attention. I hope that I will learn from this and evolve as a citizen of the world. Someone who is bigoted against any group of people is a problem, not just groups I’m a part of. Especially if that person has a wide-reaching voice.

It’s despicable that she took time during Pride Month and a pivotal moment in the Black Lives Matter movement to shift attention to her discriminatory views.

I’ve been left confused. I want to say I can separate the artist from the art, but I just can’t this time. I can do it with Orson Scott Card because I’ve only ever bought his books used, and I haven’t constructed part of my identity around his works. The Pathfinder series was awesome to read for my inner physics nerd, but it’s not part of me. I’ve invested a lot of myself in Harry Potter. I would classify myself as a Hufflepuff; this was a way I let people know who I was. The books offered a way to bond with my sister and the (still) amazing HP community. Now HP feels tainted. Even if I am able to enjoy the books and movies again in the future, there will always be a dark cloud hanging over Hogwarts. A cloud with a friggin’ Dark Mark. A story of love and acceptance, albeit one with problems, has now been tainted by hatred and ignorance. The very things that I would expect the creator of Harry Potter to be against.

While I sort out my feelings on this—because I do believe we can like problematic works of art as long as we address their issues and their creators’ issues—I’ve removed many of my HP belongings from my apartment and brought them back to my childhood bedroom to give myself the space to reflect without being surrounded on all sides.

My therapist has recently assigned me the task of coming up with one good thing at the end of every day (which is when I am writing this), and in the interest of that, here’s the silver lining. The absence of HP obsession has allowed me to explore more deeply other fictional worlds that I love. The Harry Potter series is not the only piece of media or art that feels like coming home for me. I can turn to Paper Towns by John Green or The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I can look to The Raven Cycle or the Six of Crows duology. I have trans Spider-Man to support me. I can watch the Doctor Who episodes my mom recorded on YouTube TV.

There are other things that can fill this hole, but I still wish the hole hadn’t been dug in the first place. (Though maybe we can trap JK in it without access Twitter…) So many bad things have been happening lately, and while this is a pretty benign one in the sense of lives taken, it is a big one in terms of identities shaken.

To end this section, I’m going to steal a recommendation from the podcast Dear Hank & John, which is to read Sorted by Jackson Bird. (I was going to give a link to a place to buy this book, but I actually want to encourage you to support your local bookstores.) His memoir became one of my favorite books when I read it, and I do plan on re-reading it during this weird time. Jackson Bird is an activist in the HP community and an overall wonderful person, so I hope that his story restores my ability to enjoy HP and be active in the community around it.

Conclusion: Dealing with closed doors

Along with these monumental endings, I have also dealt with: the death of my old laptop, leaving my apartment, the discontinuation of scrapbooking materials I’ve used forever, lack of drive to run or even move, and the Green Day/Fall Out Bot/Weezer concert my dad and I were supposed to go to has been postponed by at least a year.

 When one door closes, another one is supposed to open. But right now, I’m stuck in a room, surrounded by closed and locked doors. I have no keys, and I can’t hope to find a key anytime soon. I might have to learn how to pick locks. Or maybe forge a key of my own. Both tasks that will take a long time to master.

For now, I’m stuck, and all I can do is look for a way out while keeping myself busy in this room that feels like a prison. The wounded Hydra monster is locked in here with me; it’s restless and angry, which makes me restless and angry.

But even in the face of all this, I feel resilient. I feel like I can come out victorious because I have hopes and dreams that I still plan on achieving, even if the universe throws me some huge obstacles. Endings are sad, but I still have hope that some beginnings will find me eventually. I’ll get one of these doors open, you’ll see!

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May 2020: How I Am Dealing with the Sad Chaos of the World with Books… and Punk Rock Mermaids

Posted on June 3, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein
  • The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
  • Bloom by Kevin Panetta and Savanna Ganucheau
  • This is What it Feels Like by Rebecca Barrow
  • The First Rule of Punk by Celia C. Pérez
  • Death on the Nile by Agatha Christie

What I Read:

  • Lumberjanes, Vol. 4-5 by Noelle Stevenson, Shannon Watters, Grace Ellis, and Carolyn Nowak
  • I Swear I Was There: Sex Pistols, Manchester and the Gig that Changed the World by David Nolan
  • Death on the Nile (re-read) by Agatha Christie
  • The Downtown Pop Underground: New York City and the Literary Punks, Renegade Artists, DIY Filmmakers, Mad Playwrights, and Rock ’n’ Roll Glitter Queens who Revolutionized Culture by Kembrew McLeod
  • The First Rule of Punk by Celia C. Pérez
  • And I Do Not Forgive You: Stories & Other Revenges by Amber Sparks
  • Bloom (re-read) by Kevin Panetta
  • part of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
  • Don’t Call Us Dead by Danez Smith
  • Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love by Jonathan Van Ness

Well, times are certainly not great right now, are they? I have waited to post this because I wanted to give some space for black voices and hold back my own. But books are a good distraction for me, as is writing, so I am going to indulge in these distractions now without forgetting that many people cannot escape from this reality.

I want to start by talking about Don’t Call Us Dead by Danez Smith because Danez Smith is a nonbinary, black poet who writes extremely deep, thought-provoking, and poignant poetry that really resonates right now. They write about gender, sexuality, race, and the ways they intersect in their life and their community. If you take one recommendation from this list of books I’ve read, take this one. Their poems made me cry and think deeply, and they allowed me to look at the world through someone else’s eyes. Smith’s voice is one that should be raised up and really listened to right now.

Okay, now onto the less serious book talk!

Lumberjanes, Vol. 4 was super cute even though it involved a mysterious taxidermist, but Vol. 5… oh boy! It gave me a good dose of punk rock mermaids, which was everything I needed in my life. I want more punk rock mermaids!

The punk rock mermaids set the tone for a lot of my reading during the rest of the month. I got in the mood to read some nonfiction, and the nonfiction I usually go for are books about music. I picked up I Swear I Was There because it had been sitting on my TBR pile for a while, and I was delighted to find that it was a mostly oral history! I love books that are “oral” histories, a.k.a. that quote directly from interviews. Two of my favorite books about music are completely oral histories (Meet Me in the Bathroom by Lizzy Goodman and Please Kill Me by Legs McNeil). Having the oral history aspect made sense for the telling of this story because Nolan was trying to determine who was really at the first couple Sex Pistols gigs and what really went on. It’s interesting to see how people’s stories conflict even when talking about the same things. Nolan also took a look at the band’s first TV appearance, citing it as the third event that helped launch the Sex Pistols into the mainstream consciousness. I learned a lot about how the Sex Pistols really became legends at two small Manchester shows, plus Nolan’s commentary is witty and hilarious.

Next on the punk rock reading list was The Downtown Pop Underground. This book was a difficult read, not because it wasn’t interesting, but because it bombarded me with names and places too fast. I started taking notes on names and places at the beginning, but I filled up two entire notecards without even getting all of them in. So I gave up on that and let myself be confused at times. I did like learning about the underground theater scene that preceded the punk rock scene. That scene was very sexually and gender fluid, which was awesome to read about. People didn’t care who you loved or how you presented, and they were audacious with their plays and musicals and performances. If you’re interested in any underground scenes, especially those in NYC, I recommend reading this book, but make sure you take better notes than I did!

My sister must have sensed my need for punk rock books, because she got me The First Rule of Punk as a graduation gift. This book was adorable and lovely! It tells the story of a mixed-race, Chicana, punk middle-schooler who has to move to Chicago with her mom and leave her dad (and his record store) behind. She ends up starting a punk band with a group of new friends, and when they are denied a slot in the school’s talent show, they decide to put on their own show for everyone who was not accepted for the show. Malú’s struggle between being herself and feeling like she is disappointing her parents is very relatable, and she learns that it is better to be yourself even when people disapprove. If they love you, they’ll come around! I love a good chosen family story, plus the inclusion of Malú’s zines in the story made it even more dynamic. The first rule of punk is to be yourself, and for Malú (and many people) that means reconciling two seemingly irreconcilable aspects of her identity. Such a cute and heartwarming story that middle grade readers will love, and hopefully it will inspire more people to make zines!

Death on the Nile was my sister’s and my sibling book club book of May, because it is being made into a movie. This is the only Agatha Christie book I have read, and I was surprised that I remembered a lot from when I read it in high school. About a third of the way in, I remembered who committed the murder, but a lot of the details were still fuzzy, so I enjoyed re-reading it anyway. Plus having a good ol’ book talk with my sister on the way to my aunt’s house was pretty fun! Perhaps I shall finally pick up another Agatha Christie book as I’ve been intending to for years…

I picked up And I Do Not Forgive You because it’s a short story collection, and I wanted to be able to finish something before our trip to visit my aunt. It was a quick read, and very feminism-focused. Many of the stories center around female historical and mythological figures, alongside fairy-tale-esque stories that are a bit darker and explore gender roles. Although I found most of the stories just okay, Amber Sparks has really mastered the art of the opening line. The hooks of these stories were always spot on, pulling you in by their intrigue. I do still recommend this collection, because it is unique and thought-provoking despite the lack of depth in plot. Plus, I met Amber Sparks and she was a wonderful person, so I want to recommend her as a writer, too!

Even though I also read Bloom first when I had a concussion, my memory of Bloom was much better than my memory of Fun Home. Bloom is an adorable story that involves a m/m relationship, lots of baking, and seaside town vibes. This graphic novel is a feel-good story for the ages. You get romance cuteness, delicious recipes for (mostly Greek) baked goods, and wonderful character development. I cannot wait to re-read this over and over again now that I own a copy!

I tried to start and finish The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time before the end of the month, but I couldn’t manage it before the start of the Queer Lit Readathon (technically May 31-June 6, but I usually extend it over the whole month of June). After I set aside Mark Haddon’s book for later, I finished two books on May 31 for the readathon. First was Over the Top by Jonathan Van Ness of the new Queer Eye. I’ll admit that I cheated a little on this and started the audiobook before May 31, but I’m counting it because I finished it during the readathon. JVN’s story was much heavier than I thought it would be, and I recommend looking up content warnings before reading it. (I remember these content warnings: drug use and abuse, death, cancer, sexual addiction, sexual abuse (during childhood), toxic relationships, cheating, homophobia, gender policing, HIV/AIDS mentions and status, denial based on HIV status, and probably more I don’t recall.) Though his story was often dark and dealt with his unhealthy relationships to sex and drugs, he also touched on the joys of practicing pretend figure skating or gymnastics routines as a kid; learning more about how to dye, cut, and style hair; and learning how to embrace himself and make friends. JVN has gotten through so much with such spunk and perseverance, and he still came out bubbly and positive (though he makes a point to mention that he also has his moments of anger or sadness or impishness, like anyone else). I loved learning more about him, especially as told by himself in the audiobook, and look up to him a lot for his daring presentation of gender and his unabashedly extra personality despite the obstacles in his way.

The second book I finished on May 31 (which I also started that day) was Don’t Call Us Dead by Danez Smith, which I mentioned above but I want to mention again, because the voices that are important right now are black voices, so it fits that this post should start and end with their voice. Keep on supporting black folks and the Black Lives Matter movement in any way that you can. Stay safe. And try to find positivity if you can.

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April 2020: How I read about plagues and the world ending during a pandemic

Posted on May 3, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I Got:

  • Lumberjanes Volumes 1-5 by Noelle Stevenson, Grace Ellis, Faith Hicks, Shannon Watters, and Carolyn Nowak (sorry if I left someone out!)
  • Ultimate Spider-Man: Ultimate Collection Books 1-2 by Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley
  • Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire
  • Rebel by Marie Lu
  • The Midwinter Witch by Molly Knox Ostertag

What I Read:

  • Prodigy (re-read) by Marie Lu
  • Champion (re-read) by Marie Lu
  • Spoonbenders by Daryl Gregory
  • Lumberjanes, Volumes 1-3 by Noelle Stevenson, et al.
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (re-read) by J.K. Rowling
  • The Midwinter Witch by Molly Knox Ostertag
  • Rebel by Marie Lu
  • Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire
  • The Outsider by Stephen King
  • Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel
  • Ultimate Spider-Man: Ultimate Collection Books 1-2 by Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley
  • I Hope You Get This Message by Farah Naz Rishi

So… that looks like a long list of books, but are we really surprised? First off, I’ve been stuck mostly at home with not much to do except read. Second, a lot of these are re-reads or graphic novels. And third, I participated in a readathon this month, just to spice things up!

My sister told me she was going to participate in the O.W.L.s Magical Readathon this year, and I decided to join in. Why the heck not! I chose Librarian and Trader of Magical Tomes as potential career paths (a.k.a. my dream jobs if I went to Hogwarts). They were so similar that it didn’t add much work to do both. Plus, this year, you could take “extra courses,” so I also did Animagus Training and Magical Shop Management. My sister and I had already planned to re-read the fourth Harry Potter book together this month, so this was just an added magical bonus!

After I finished Prodigy for my Legend series re-read, I picked up the final book in the trilogy, Champion, and got ready to study for those O.W.L.s! Re-reading this series was very emotional for me. I absolutely loved it the first time I read it, and though I noticed a lot of cliches this time around, I didn’t mind that much. Not gonna lie, the third book made me cry. Again. I’ll never get over how this trilogy ends… Day and June will forever be some of my favorite book characters, and even the whole plague storyline didn’t deter from reading them during an actual, literal pandemic. These are some of the best dystopian novels, in my opinion, and I recommend them to everybody so we can all love Day and June forever. (This book was for Charms.)

Next up were the first three volumes of Lumberjanes, but I only counted the first one for the readathon (Potions class). These are delightful middle-grade graphic novels about a group of “lady-types” who are at summer camp together. They face all sorts of weird magical creatures in the forest and are always getting up to shenanigans! All of the characters in these stories are lovable and flawed, and there’s nothing better than a book about friendship. However, I wasn’t a fan of the differing art styles in third volume. Each time a new one was introduced, it took me out of the story. Part of why I read some graphic novels is because I love both the story and the art, so that one was not as enjoyable for me. But it was still cute and wholesome like the rest!

During a Harry Potter-inspired readathon, I of course had to read an HP book! I am one of those weird people who can just pick up a random book in a series and re-read it without re-reading the entire series. So that’s what I did here! My sister and I were in the mood for a re-read this month, so we chose The Goblet of Fire as our sibling book club pick. It’s amazing how much we both remembered from the movie and the book, and also how many details we forgot. Like S.P.E.W. I totally forgot about Hermione’s house elves crusade! And that Dobby gives Harry the gillyweed, not Neville like in the movies. Why you gotta do Dobby so dirty like that, movies? It was mostly just fun to read this familiar story with each other. We did discuss the difficulties of loving a piece of media whose creator has turned out to be a not-so-great person, but because these books hold a lot of nostalgia and enjoyment for us, we decided that reading them again wouldn’t hurt anyone. We can accept the flaws of the series while loving it, which is something I recommend that everyone do with at least one thing in their lives. J.K. may have made a fool of herself, but this series still means a lot to a lot of people. (This book was for History of Magic.)

I read my Transfiguration book, The Midwinter Witch, in a cemetery after a rough day, and it was just what I needed. This is the third graphic novel in the Witch Boy series, and it was just as delightful as the first two. I love the message that it’s okay, even encouraged, to do something outside of the box. The characters mess up, but it’s often because they are being denied the opportunity to explore the unconventional facets of their identities. Celebrating differences and paving the way for others to be their true selves, despite people who put you down, is so important. Aster’s friends and his love for witchery balance out all of the negativity he gets for breaking society’s conventional rules.

And now, the real reason for my Legend re-read: Marie Lu released a fourth book last year! Rebel is about Daniel’s and Eden’s lives in Antarctica ten years after the events of the original trilogy. The parallels to the original story were a bit too on the nose, and there were many moments of pointless repetition, but I still enjoyed the story. Probably because I already love the characters. The closure that this last book gives for Daniel and June’s relationship and the question of who Eden becomes in the wake of a civil war was wonderful to have. I didn’t mind the open ending of the trilogy, but I also didn’t mind this extra book. Like I said above, these characters will always be favorites of mine, and no matter how cliche or less-than-ideally written they are, I will never say no to more stories about them. (This was for Defense Against the Dark Arts, which is actually super fitting now that I think about it…)

When I picked up my next book (for Ancient Runes), I was also met with a meh story. Unfortunately, this meh story didn’t include characters I already love, so I didn’t enjoy it as much. Don’t get me wrong, Every Heart a Doorway was a fun story and an interesting idea to follow, but it just wasn’t as good as all of the reviews made it seem. It was literally the last two pages that bummed me out so much. The ending was disappointing and didn’t seem to fit with the way the rest of the story went. I still enjoyed it, mostly for the character Kade (a boy who is so chivalrous and kind and lives in a room practically made out of books… a.k.a. the perfect character) and a few of the other characters. I went in kind of blind to this book, so I wasn’t expecting gruesome murders, but there they were! All in all, I don’t think I would read another book in this series unless Kade was the main character. Bummer!

Okay, now I am about to blow your mind. Are you ready? I enjoyed a Stephen King novel. What? Who am I? The Outsider was surprisingly compelling and unsurprisingly longwinded, but I don’t think the overly detailed writing was a detriment to the story this time. The only thing that bothered me about the details were how specific and gory they got when describing the young boy’s body. (Trigger warnings for child rape, graphic descriptions of violence/death, shootings, and suicide.) It reads almost like you’re watching a true crime documentary with a weird supernatural twist, which is probably why I liked it. I had to read this for class, and I was quite skeptical, because I disliked the other two King novels I’ve read (Pet Sematary and Cujo if you’re interested). This was definitely outside my comfort zone (hence why I chose it for Arithmancy class), but I ain’t mad that I read it!

The other two books I read for class this month I did not count for the readathon. Spoonbenders by Daryl Gregory was a completely random book I had never heard of that has become one of the best books I’ve read so far this year. It’s about a family of psychics who used to be famous but got debunked on national television, even though some of them actually have real psychic abilities. (Or do they? This question is left pretty open-ended.) Let me tell you, this was so fun to read. The dysfunctional family dynamics added so much color to the story, and you even get a little bit of history about the U.S. government’s use of “psychics” during the Cold War. I don’t always like books told from multiple perspectives, but when I do, they usually become some of my favorite books. This one is no exception! I cannot wait to re-read this in a few years and see if I catch any hints I missed.

The last book I will ever read for my undergraduate degree was Fun Home, a graphic autobiography I have read before, and I remember not liking it at all. I was so utterly confused by it. Gee, I wonder why… maybe it was because I had a concussion? That’s right, folks, I hated this book because it confused me because I had a concussion. Whoops. This time around was a whole different experience. There are so many details and interesting references that I totally did not understand the first time around. It’s amazing what a clear head can do for your reading experience. This is a difficult read at times, as it deals with topics like homophobia and suicide, but it tells the story in such a thought-provoking way that it’s still hard to put down once you start. An LGBT+ must-read.

Okay, onto a happier topic: Spidey! If you know me, you know that I love Spider-Man. I have a giant Spidey tattoo, for crying out loud. I decided to start my foray into superhero comics with the Ultimate series because it’s the one that Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is based off of. This version of Spidey’s story was written to bring in millennial audiences, meaning that it’s a bit more up to date. Man, I love Spidey’s wit and Peter Parker’s awkwardness and both of their impulsive but good behaviors. He’s just a fifteen-year-old kid doing his best! The only thing I didn’t like were the fatphobic comments made toward Kingpin, which made me uncomfortable. He’s a villain, but don’t criticize his body! Criticize his lack of a moral compass and inability to empathize with anyone. Yeah, that sounds like way more of a flaw than having a certain body-type. Spidey has his flaws, like anyone, and I still love him, but I really hope he has learned by now that being fat is not an insult. He can do better!

And back to the sorta sad stuff… I read a book about the end of the world. Yeah, that’s right, I read an entire trilogy that has plagues as a major plot point PLUS a book about the end of the world. Am I doing quarantine wrong? Anyway, moving on from my potentially stupid reading decisions, I Hope You Get This Message by Farah Naz Rishi was a pretty good read! (Trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, violence and homophobia.) Unfortunately, I didn’t know that this book about aliens threatening to destroy humanity in a week would also include descriptions of a suicide. I had to pause before I kept reading, because suicide is not a topic I can usually read about. But since this book had a good message so far, and I was interested in how it would turn out, I kept reading. The three main characters are teenagers who are all looking for something, even if they don’t leave home—a sister, a father, some money for their mom, a purpose, hope, love, etc. The end-of-the-world scenario in this story felt really different than the one we are going through now, so it was easy to disconnect from real life. (I’m not saying it’s the end of the world, but isn’t it, though?) The book makes it a point to show that small things matter, even when humanity might be ending. So maybe small things matter even during a pandemic, too. I don’t know, even though this book made me sad and anxious at times, it also somehow gave me hope. And hope is something I think we all need right now.

I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Don’t forget to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to during this weird, weird time. Books have been helping me, so if books help you, too, I wish for all of the lovely books to be in your hands! If something else helps you, I wish for you to have an abundance of that, as well!

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March 2020: How I’m reading and reconnecting with myself during this weird time

Posted on March 31, 2020 by Ryn PB

What I got:

  • Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler

What I read:

  • City of Night by John Rechy
  • The Mariposa Club by Rigoberto González
  • The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth
  • An Orchestra of Minorities (audiobook) by Chigozie Obioma
  • Next Year in Havana by Chanel Cleeton
  • High Fidelity (re-read) by Nick Hornby
  • Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor
  • The Strokes: The First Ten Years by Cody Smyth
  • Legend (re-read) by Marie Lu

Welcome back to a normal monthly wrap-up! Since times are crazy, I thought writing a regular old book-related blog post would help add a sense of normalcy back into my life. So here we go!

Let’s start with books I’ve read for class. City of Night by John Rechy was a trip. This is a book about the 1960s male hustling scene, following a nameless narrator who talks about the people he meets along the way and involving a lot of identity exploration and criticism of American society. Everyone has a favorite character who the narrator comes across, and mine is cowboy Chuck. He’s just so chill about everything and takes life as it comes. He’s the laziest character the narrator meets, but he’s also super likable and unconcerned about what others think of him. City of Night was a difficult read in the sense that Rechy does not follow conventional story or sentence structures, but also in the sense that the narrator is emotionally detached because he experiences so much negativity. Perhaps if I re-read it at some point, I’ll be able to look into the language and story more deeply, but this first read is just a lot to take in.

The Mariposa Club is about a group of gay teenage guys who call themselves the Fierce Foursome and their last year of high school. They try to start an LGBT club at their school, and three of the four boys are Mexican. This book really only touches the story on a surface level, but its representation and exploration of intersectional identities and different types of queerness are important for young queer teens to see.

One book that I was hoping to absolutely love was Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl. But it was just kinda meh. Paul is a gender-bending shapeshifter who sometimes identifies and presents as a lesbian and sometimes identifies and presents as a gay man. This is the one book that we are reading in my LGBT lit course that tackles transgender identities, and while it does dive deep into discussions of gender and sexuality, I just did not care about Paul and his sexual exploits. The one thing I did care about—the nature of his shapeshifting—never got resolved or explained. I don’t mind that his gender was never really determined, because no one needs to have a firmly identified gender, but it’s really only about Paul ditching his life, having sex with people, and then sort of pulling it back together. I wish the transgender novel we read in class would have been more rooted in reality, because Paul is so “other” that very few people will be able to connect to him.

The only thing I’m going to say about An Orchestra of Minorities is that I didn’t like it, had to listen to it on audiobook to get through it, and was disappointed with the ending. Objectively, the language is really lyrical, but that’s where my compliments end.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post was supposed to be the Queer Lit Club book for March, but we obviously weren’t able to meet, so I didn’t actually get to discuss it with others. The book wasn’t as sad as I thought it was going to be until I hit the ending, but I really enjoyed the experience of reading it. Lots of shitty things happen to Cameron, but she’s a strong character who, even though society tells her to keep her identity a secret, doesn’t try to change herself. Even at conversion camp, she makes friends with others who don’t follow, and don’t want to follow, the norm.

The other book club book I read in March was Next Year in Havana, the book I read with my sister. Luckily, we ended up quarantining together, so we could discuss the book in person. We went to the Starbucks drive-thru with our dog and then sat on her bed and chatted over coffee. While I didn’t love this book as much as my sister did, I did enjoy diving back into Cuban-American literature several semesters after taking a Cuban-American lit course. Chanel Cleeton shows what happens to those who stayed in Cuba when the revolution was happening and those who left. She discusses questions of identity, love, loss, home, memory, loyalty, and family. Anyone who can pack so much into one book without making the reader feel overwhelmed is a skilled writer. And while the plot and characters didn’t quite hit me as hard as I would have hoped, I am still planning to read Cleeton’s sequel to this one, When We Left Cuba, because of her skill and the fact that it’s about my favorite character, Beatriz.

And now, the re-reads!

I re-read High Fidelity in preparation to watch the miniseries on Hulu (which I still haven’t gotten to even though I can’t go anywhere… oops…) and also because I went through a phase when I read all of Nick Hornby’s novels. I think I liked this book the first time I read it, but Hornby is so good at writing stories about fuck-ups. His characters are usually men in their thirties with subpar jobs, not a lot of ambitions, and poor love lives. But I care about them… Any scene in the record shop that the main character owns becomes a favorite, because his coworkers are so ridiculous but believable.

My re-read of Legend just happened because I was at home with all of my old favorite books and I knew Marie Lu had recently released a fourth book in the series. For some reason, I completely blocked out that plagues are a huge plot point in this series, but I am gonna keep on reading them, anyway! I loved these books in high school and I am having so much fun re-discovering the characters and the plot. There are so many cliches in Legend, but I can tell why I liked it when I read them. And the pure nostalgia is really making me love them all over again!

For everyone as anxious as I am right now: I hope you find some joy in familiar favorites or new favorites, whether movies or books or TV shows or music or anything else. I’m taking this time at home to explore things that I once loved and how I have evolved as a person since those times. I’m hoping that reconnecting with my past self will give me more momentum to move forward with my writing and my reading and my life in general.

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