I am a pessimist. Just like being an optimist, being a pessimist has its pros (being prepared, less disappointment) and its cons (being overly stressed, less hopefulness), but the one thing I like most about being a pessimist is when I’m proven wrong. 

The original title of this entry was going to be “Not Even a Handful of Pecans Can Save Me From Death.” But it turns out, it can. At least, it can save me from a concrete manifestation of death. 

And if a handful of pecans can do that, what could a whole bag do? A whole grove? (Do pecans grow in groves? I have no idea.)

On a day when I was feeling particularly down, I took my usual mid-day break to go walk or sit outside. My desk job is fairly boring, and I get antsy sitting down all day, so the walk is usually a necessary break. On this particular day, though, I really needed a pick-me-up. There were (and are) a lot of DEI-erasure, budget cuts, and other situations that are making work difficult to stomach. 

I made my way to a bench in the shade, underneath two tall trees, where I’ve made quite a few friends over the past few months. The many, many birds and squirrels on campus all come asking for food if you sit on any bench, so I made sure to buy a snack that they can all eat—pecans. 

At this particular bench, however, there are a few squirrels who live in those trees and will come down specifically to see me. Well, they come down for the pecans… but it still makes me smile!

In search of a smile that had eluded me all day, I sat down at my bench and waited for some critters to come by for a snack. Then, off to the left, underneath one of the big trees, was a squirrel sprawled out on its stomach, unmoving. I even tried to scare it to see if it would move. Nothing. A dead squirrel. 

My mood immediately plummeted. I didn’t want to leave the bench because a few squirrels did stop by for food, and the sound of leaves rustling calms my mind, so I studiously avoided looking to the left. I already started thinking about how this would make a good blog post. Death is a part of life, unavoidable especially in the animal kingdom, but on an already hopeless day, this wasn’t the reminder that I needed in my few moments of peace. 

More quickly than I usually do, I stuffed the pecans back into their designated pocket in my bag and stood up to leave. I took a look at the dead squirrel as I walked by. I figured that it was better to acknowledge the thing in front of me rather than ignore it. 

A nose twitched. A little paw moved. The squirrel got up from its sprawled out position in the shade and sniffed the air. 

Agog that I’d mistaken this chillaxing squirrel for a carcass, I gave it a couple pecans and was on my way. 

And you know what? I felt better. 

It felt good to know that my negativity, in that moment, was wrong. Armed only with a handful of pecans, I’d been able to get at the more positive truth. My mind had misinterpreted reality, and reality had fought back to show me a little bit of light. 

I’m not saying there’s no reason to be pessimistic right now, and I’m not saying that death is a big, bad scary thing we should always avoid, but I am saying that I’m glad I let that small moment shift my point of view. 

Reality sucks, but not all of it. We have weapons at our disposal to find joy and to make a better reality, whether for ourselves, a few people, or everyone. Our weapons are as vast as a handful of pecans to a genuine smile to a loved one to collective bargaining for better legal rights.

However you’re doing it, I hope you’ve found a fold in reality that stops you in your tracks and proves your negative voice wrong, if only for a moment.  

-Ryn PB